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09 Christian Rock Hard

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First aired: 10/29/2003 Production Code: 709

The boys have hit a crossroads with their band "Moop". Cartman wants the band to play Christian music, and leaves the band when Stan, Kyle, and Kenny don't agree. Before leaving, Cartman bets Kyle $10 that he will get a platinum album with a Christian Rock band before "Moop" can.

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Written by BOT, on 09-24-2007 20:38
When the other boys kick Cartman out of their band, "Moop", for suggesting that they play Christian rock, Cartman forms his own group to make music not for Jesus or spiritual rewards, but to profit from the wide audience for this kind of music. Cartman and Kyle bet each other $10 that their respective band will be the first to go platinum by selling one million records.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, seeking "inspiration", decide to download music from the Internet (because CDs are too expensive) and they are arrested by the FBI for illegal downloading. An FBI agent shows them the consequences of downloading. Musicians like Lars Ulrich (drummer of metal band Metallica) and Britney Spears are so affected by loss of income from music piracy that they must substitute extremely luxurious purchases for slightly less luxurious ones (Lars wanted to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed next to his pool, but must now wait a few weeks, and Britney is not able to keep a Gulfstream IV, so she replaces it with a smaller Gulfstream III, which doesn't have a remote control for its surround sound DVD system). As budding musicians, Moop decides to go on strike until fans stop downloading and are joined by a large number of pop and rock stars, including Britney Spears, Master P, Blink-182, Metallica, Alanis Morrisette, and Skylar's band from the season three episode "Cat Orgy" and the season four episode "Timmy 2000".

Meanwhile, Cartman, Butters, and Token (who, according to Cartman, can play bass because he is black, and it turns out that he can) have rocketed to the top of the Christian rock charts, with Cartman simply tweaking the lyrics of love ballads to include Jesus' name. It turns out to be extremely successful.

Their band, Faith + 1, soon celebrates the sale of its millionth album. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny realize that the satisfaction of having fans should surely be more important to musicians than fighting against fans, who make them popular and come to see their concerts. Moop decides to stop striking, although the other (more famous) musicians decline, saying "sorry, we're all about the money."

At an expensive awards ceremony to celebrate Faith + 1's success, their record label present them with a myrrh album. This means Kyle hasn't lost the bet; Christian record companies only hand out gold, frankincense, and myrrh records, so Cartman can never have a platinum album (but can "go double myrrh"). His frustration gets the myrrh album destroyed and leads him to scream "GOD...DAMN IT!!" as well as "OH FUCK JESUS!!", making the fans scream and flee. Butters then says, "Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the 'F' word about Jesus." Token becomes mad because Cartman has driven the crowd away. Cartman doesn't care and calls Token a "black asshole." Driven to the breaking point, Token mercilessly beats Cartman to the ground and walks away. The boys feel that Cartman got what he deserved and leave. As Cartman is on the ground in pain, Butters hesitates, then farts in his face, gives him the finger and says "Fuck you, Eric." before leaving Cartman to recover from his beating alone.

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